Wednesday, 11 July 2012


I just spent two weeks in Nairobi and have been eating my way through a lot of burgers and hanging out with a couple of good friends (We are the Three Wzungu). We cooked food only two of the evenings, one just a simple pasta dish, although it's one of my favourite meals; garlic chilli linguine. The other night was a big ass BBQ.

The first evening, after a death defying taxi ride from the airport (everyone drives like a dick in Kenya and people crash for a laugh), we headed straight to a joint called Brew. This is a bar with an industrial brewery inside and the lager was rather good, nearly as good as Tusker. The food here was pretty good also, this is where I had my first Kenyan burger. We scoffed sitting at a bar which looked straight into the kitchen. This place took down my naive misconception of the Kenyan lifestyle. We smashed in a Negroni or two or three, then we became real Wzungu.

Most of the fruit and veg in Kenya is a bit dogshitpiss apart from the Avocados, so every morning we'd walk down the road to get some from this little community, who basically lived on this bit of grass by the roadside. The Avocados were always perfectly ripe and cost between 10 & 20p each, and that's Mzungu price (what white people pay). At first we served the Avocados on toast with poached eggs, but the eggs turned cold so we ditched them, also we weren't sure on the African policy towards eggy ethics or salmonella. So a smashed up Avo with a bit of lemon, finely sliced chilli, salt, pepper & a big glug of E.V. Olive Oil is all you need. Simply dolloped on a dry piece of toast and the textures & flavours work for me. It doesn't look like an oil painting, but how about I paint you a different picture? There are starving people in Africa! So eat what you're given you bunch of cunts. Ah, I'm just kidding.

Another highlight was an Indian restaurant, Open House, where we went three times. The curry was superb and avoided that greasiness which is so abundant in the UK, but it kept all the complex spice flavours. The last time we went the waiter assumed he could keep our change from the bill, which pissed us off. What a bell-end.

Artcaffe is good for burgers and fuck my baps sideways I noshed off a lot of burgers in my cunty face.

We also had Sushi from Onami and it was ok. It could have been better if we'd done the ordering as we had some pretty basic sashimi. We also had some Teppanyaki on another night which was splendid.

Maxland Grill was the star of the show for me as it was the only authentic Kenyan food I had - Kenyans call it a Nyama choma, basically a BBQ, but without all the marinades & guff. This fiery furnace of a restaurant was smokey and dirty, but the coals kissed the meat in the most wonderful flavour filled manner. Simply raw meat on a plate, but obviously cooked. I mean 'raw' in the naked sense. A sexy naked goat flirting on my plate. So sexy it was fucked to flaming hell and back. I was driven Kuku.

Anyhow I'm starting to bore myself with this post, so you must be Bored to Death (We watched a lot of this).

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