Tuesday, 14 December 2010

Turkey is for twats

Ok its time to really upset some people.

I don't know where this ridiculous tradition has come from to have Turkey at Christmas. Not even the Americans traditionally have it on Christmas day, they have it for Thanks Giving. There are lots of things that twats eat at Christmas that they usually wouldn't eat, like fucking mulled wine. Why don't people drink it other times of the year? Because it's horrible and nobody actually likes it.

I'm now rolling up my sleeves and tensing my fist, getting ready to give Turkey a long awaited and well deserved smash in face. It is so rubbish, well alright, turkey breast and mince can be good for people who are on a low fat diet, but ultimately it's a stupid roasting bird for stupid people. The meat is so dry you have to cover the thing with bacon, sausage meat and goose fat to keep it moist. Or some idiots cook it upside-down and cover it in tin foil. But after doing all this the meat is still actually quite bland.

The best bit is people go all out and pay over the odds for an organic, local, free-range bird and because of the Christmas demand, they are even more expensive. Twats. Sorry, they're Fucking Twats.

Buy a Chicken. Very simple solution.

1. It cooks quicker
2. It's cheaper
3. It tastes better
4. You don't have to pre-order it (and if you do it fits in a freezer)
5. You're not following a non-tradition

I could be here all night if I really wanted.

I'm just looking forward to the duck I've ordered from Creedy Carver for about £5 each, but it's only that cheap because I did it through work.

Have a wonderful Christmas everyone and I hope you enjoy your meal, whatever you eat, seriously!


  1. I agree. The only way I can really enjoy Turkey is a few days after Christmas in a curry, where the spices mask the blandness. Pointless. And fuck Turkey sandwiches. They only taste good when loaded with stuffing, generous globs of cranberry jelly and some cracked black peppercorns, once again to hide what is a boring, greedy, ugly and fucking stupid bird. If not Chicken, go for Goose.

  2. YeahSure - I'm a twat? Of course I am, who else writes such an opinionated blog on food. Only a twat would do that.

  3. Fish - Loving the curry idea, and I have to admit a good turkey sandwich or cold spread is pretty good. I'm just on a vendetta to bring down Bernard Matthews' empire.

    Have a great Christmas and if your having Goose I hope you keep the fat for roast potatoes.

  4. Got to be goose. Every time.