Dirty Secret

It's not dirty cos it's been up my anus, it's dirty in the way of 'a dirty little secret'. Everyone has their guilty pleasures, especially when it comes to food. Some of mine include leftover takeaway curry straight from the fridge as a breakfast snack, roast chicken skin, chips and white bread. After watching a piece of very good, Lynchian contemporary dance - Chamos Woke Up A Trash Dolly (usually not my scene), I came home in desperate need of a quick bit of scoff. As I opened the fridge to reveal some left over Bolognese, I began to conjure up dirty little thoughts in my dirty mind, a Bolonese-Baguette.

Although, at first glance my Bolo-Baguette may sound dirty, I soon jazzed up Mr Baguette with a make over, a bit like that vile programme Ten Years Younger, but I'll call it something even shitter like Ten Times Tastier. 

"Taste guru Oliver takes Mr Baguette to the trendy boutique - Jardin de Balcon, he dresses him in a suit of wild rocket. The multi talented Oliver now turns his hand to hair styling, keeping on the Italian theme he gives Mr Baguette a Parmesan Perm with golden curly shavings of salty Parmigiano Reggiano." 

So just like those middle aged, 40 ciggies a-day, house wives you see on that programme, my boring old Baguette has had a transformation. He has turned into a stylish Italian hunk. My baguette is so handsome I want to fuck him, because I actually know underneath that chic exterior is real filth, he is full of dirty cold Bolognese with greasy congealed fat ready to lubricate my oesophagus. He's mine, all for me and our secret love affair will continue for years to come, we'll plan dirty weekends together, I don't care, I want the world to know that - OLIVER COYSH LOVES A BOLOGNESE SANDWICH!